|Untitled Unfinished 2010 Stephan P. Ferreira|
I found a photograph taken (quickly) a few months into the painting. It changed dramatically after taking the snapshot. Then I quite and threw it out.
I remember how throwing it out made me feel decisive. And I remember the shocked look a friend gave when I mentioned this, even without him seeing the painting. That's when I thought about having done something wrong.
|Untitled (Conversation) Unfinished State 2009 Stephan P. Ferreira|
But ultimately I am reminded of some of the ideas I was aiming for. And I included another photograph of painting mid way (this one I did complete). Maybe I was in the right direction. The idea at the time was to distill the subject down to something I could react to over and over: our dining room. The trouble was that I made this less than honest. I think as I populated the table with suppers - from a few dozen photographs every week - I was lying to myself. It was getting away from me. We never actually had that much food on the table. I had begun with a way of looking at this imagery and instead began trying to make it something I had never seen. It was being manipulated.
But (like the second photo also shows) at that one certain stage I may have been painting it the way I wanted to. I relish some of the bold, flat and decisive shapes I had made. Somewhere I started lying to myself. You could argue things are more articulated. But I think the space behind the figure becomes unclear and reveals impatience.
Lately I have been searching for some sort of honesty in my painting. And instead of finding in it finished paintings, I am finding it in pieces I have abandoned, or completely different pieces of things I had once found successful for other reasons.
I think today I just realized I'd been wandering in the wrong direction. And so I'll turn around a few blocks and start again.